Monday, April 29, 2013

Complete Epiphany

Last night was game night. Just me, Marv, a stack of games, and the best songs from every good musical (so the best! period) playing on CD. It was simple, but oh so fun! I had an epiphany during our game of Rummikub; an honest-to-goodness moment of clarity.

For the last 3 years I have been waiting, praying, and preparing for me to finally feel complete. I've always thought, 'When we have children, then our family will be complete.' 'When I get to fulfill my role as wife and mother, then I will feel like I am fulfilling my life's purpose.' 'When I get to experience that part of life, then I will be able to experience all of the emotion and love that this life has to offer.' And so on...

Last night, during our 4th game of Skip-Bo, I turned and looked at Marv. He was doing "the Carlton" (and quite well I might add) to a song from Hairspray, and at that moment I realized; 'if my life is this and only this for the rest of forever, I will live a great and happy life.'

This thought triggered a rush of emotions and insight. I learned more at that moment about the plan that God has for me than I feel I ever have. And who knew that Skip-Bo would do that for a person?!

I expressed all of my revelations as they came to mind, "We'll be ok... I'll be ok!... We're going to be happy!... I am satisfied and feel complete... I'm finally there!" Marv (the smart and faithful man that he is) then looked me square in the eyes and said, "I've been there for a while..."

I've come to that point. I've come to accept whatever God's will. And I mean it. Up to this point, perhaps I never truly had. Maybe this is yet another part of the process I've had to go through and come to. I know the Lord knows what will make me happy, better than I do. I think in a way I have had blinders on during this process. For me, I get so fixated on baby, BABY, BABY that I don't turn around too often to see and enjoy the life that is mine right now. Graditude, yes. But last night was more than just 'counting my blessings.' I felt like I was... filled. It was a unique experience.

Yes, we are going to do IVF. Yes, I will still have good and bad days. BUT, if we don't have kids in this lifetime, we will be ok. We will play, dance, sing, and love for forever. And how perfect is that?!

am complete.
am happy.
And it's in large part because of him.

(written 1/15/11)

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