The Hardest Part is the Hardest Part

Every woman who is fighting with fertility has a difficult time when other women announce their pregnancy. The 9 months following that announcement brings some pain with it as well. It just happens. We can't help it and neither can they. It's not that we are wishing ill will for that mom-to-be (or for heavens sake the precious babe). It isn't that we hate their good news either. It's just a reminder that the miracle still hasn't happened for us.

I think we can all agree that certain comments or attitudes towards pregnancy and motherhood in general can be blood boiling. Any comment that makes light of the miracle of pregnancy and child birth or ingraditude for the opportunity of becoming a mother sends me through the roof, and I don't mind telling people so (you can imagine). Overly whiney women or those who carry with them this sense of entitlement while pregnant are equally irriating.

I've noticed since talking to other "club members" that there are certain triggers to the woes of infertility. It seems the hard parts are different for each of us. It could simply be the complaints of others that are the hardest. Sometimes it's the baby showers, baby blessings, or holidays that are the most painful.

There is longing in this trial, whatever it is; longing for specific feelings and experiences in the process of becoming a mother. When others are experiencing and living our deepest dreams and specific desires, it's just hard. Some women long for the actual pregnancy more than any other part of it; to feel a growing child move inside of them and to feel that initial motherly bond (oh...). Some can't wait to enjoy the different stages of a child's growth. I've even heard one woman express her sincere desire for a teenage girl! (wow!)

For me, by far the hardest part is in fact the "hard part." I long for the actual delivery and hospital experience. It is so difficult for me to have a friend or family member in the hospital ready to deliver. The few days/weeks afterwards where the only focus is their new little family addition nearly kills me every time. I can't wait to experience that! I can't wait to feel the pain, the adrenaline, and the love we will have as labor and delivery happens. I want to be sore and exhausted from performing the special act of birthing a child. (call me crazy) I picture my husband holding our first (albeit slimey) child for the first time and every time, I ache...then I tear up.

Oh, it will be special indeed...
That is the hardest part for me.

What about you? Do share.

Note: Please! This is all difficult, but I do believe the "hardest part" is specific to each of us.

(written 1/25/11)