For those of you who have been wondering, we did an IUI a little bit ago. I'll cut to the chase and just let you know that it didn't work. Even though we were kind of expecting this, (our chances are really not good with an IUI), it hurts just the same. The day we found out, I was grateful I didn't really have to talk to anyone. Cam packed me a star wars fruit snack and a note giving me some "Jedi Love" for the day. He is amazing.
We texted our parents and let them know. (Sometimes it's just best not to hear a voice.) And my mom e-mailed me immediately. We got to talking and she sent me this experience:
"Do you want to hear my best example of grace under fire? I can't remember if it was the third or fourth round of chemo for Grandma McGuire, but she had to have something done as an out patient and she asked me to take her to the hospital. She had decided to have the nurse shave her head while they were doing what they had to do because it was going to fall out anyways. She had thought this though a head of time and when they pulled the curtain back she walked out in grandpas black cowboy hat with her head held high. We didn't talk. I knew she was thoroughly tired of going through the motions again. To me it seemed to be her defense against the world and what people think. Find your hat my dear. You can keep moving forward. Focus on others today. You'll get through the day a little easier. I love you."
My mom always knows just what to say. She also knows when nothing is right. When silence is better. She knows the pain I go through because she loves me. She hurts right along side me. And she reminds me that our Heavenly Parents are hurting too. They are not the ones to blame for this. No one is to blame. This is just a "thing." It's not a bad thing or a good thing. It's just a "thing." It's a part of our lives that both blesses us and strengthens us. It's our trial by fire.
And to remind me of a strong and beautiful woman who walked through fire gracefully on a daily basis, I made this for our home.
If I can endure this trial with half the grace she endured hers, I will be proud.
And someday, I will be a mother who knows. For now, I am grateful for mine. Because she knows.
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