Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Just Hear Me Daydream

Some people are 'fix it' kind of people. They hear a problem and *BAM* they immediately have the cure-all answer to anything difficult, unknown, or confusing.

"Your IVF cycle failed? Well, you should just adopt. Then you're guaranteed a baby."
"Oh it didn't work? So have you already started your next cycle? The second round always works."
"You're feeling down today? You just need to have faith and everything will work out."

I'd like to take a moment to thank all those who have said such statements. Because of you and your words of wisdom, infertility is now easy breezy. (insert sarcastic tone here)

I know people usually have the best of intentions. I know the topic of infertility makes a lot of people awkward which forces mindless rambling in an effort to comfort. I just sometimes want to simply be heard. Just listen. Because this is nothing you can fix. I don't need advice at this point. I feel like I know the ins and outs of my trial. I feel I'm dealing and learning through it better than ever! It's quite refreshing actually. So when I come in contact with a person who still wants to try and "fix it" for me, well, I'm annoyed. It feels like that person is discrediting my feelings and my progression through something they don't understand.

Just hear what I'm telling you, and tell me that it's ok; not that it's only ok if I have faith.

Faith I have.

I feel like I'm really starting to live and love this life that is mine. I daydream of things I want to do. And I make plans now without the thought of, 'well I might be pregnant then so maybe I should wait on that.' I'm searching for ways to stretch myself in order to experience new things and make new goals to be my best me. I want to grow in every way. And do you know why I have this desire?... because I've been able to grow because of my failed cycle. And that is because I've been honest with me. I've allowed myself to feel. Always. Doing this has helped me see the possibilities of happiness and full life, regardless of the expectation of children. I want to keep learning, and yes that most likely means learning through more infertility, but that's ok, because I know I need this. And I want this.

I want to search myself.
I want to push myself.
I want to discover more of myself.
Daydreaming and soul-searching...
It's a beautiful combination.

(written 6/7/11)

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