Trials in life (and dare I say, infertility especially) can feel like a neverending storm with swirling winds and harsh rains. It can be some of the darkest times of life, and has been so for me.
At one point I feel I almost lost my faith, the one thing I never thought I could loose. It was terrifying. I had never felt that kind of...despair. It was "raining" down on me so hard that I couldn't see and was beginning to feel lost. It was a desperate, lonely, dark, and scary place. I instantly recognized my need and wondered how I would feel any sort of peace again and if this, my personal "storm", was ever going to let up.
It took some additional heartache, some deep soul searching, some repentance (of course), as well as some wise words from a man I call 'dad' to start me on a new course and approach. This new course not only affects my approach to my struggle with fertility, but to life in general, and specifically, the rainy parts.
This experience has changed me. This storm has helped me be better. It no longer seems like a curse or punishment, but rather, a blessing. For the change in perspective, I'm so grateful. Where would I be now without this experience? Most likely in that dark place. *shutter* I no longer feel that pain anymore. I don't feel the anger and bitter feelings that seemed to consume too much of my life. I know that I'll still feel emotional, but I know that through the atonement of my Savior, the pain seems to be leaving me and has been replaced with hope, comfort, and love... It's.simply.amazing.
At this point I can honestly say that I feel blessed because of the rain, because of the storm. The Lord is with me! And this storm is making me who I am. I feel like I am literally being led through the dark and unknown by a loving Father who knows me and is willing to carry me through it all. I just have to trust Him in order to let Him. This strength is available to all of us and is only a prayer away. What a blessing.
"Don't you fret...
I don't feel any pain.
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now.
You're here!
That's all I need to know.
And you will keep me safe.
And you will keep me close.
And rain will make the flowers grow.
Just hold me now,
And let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me.
The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest.
A breath away from where you are.
I've come home from so far.
(written 3/4/11)
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