What's fair?

I was talking with a good friend of mine the other day. Like me, she is struggling with infertility. It's good to release emotion and even better to do so with someone who truly understands; which is why one thing she said shocked me. I've heard this same feeling expressed since, from other women:

"I feel bad complaining to you. I haven't been going through it as long as you have, so it's really not fair for me to complain..."

What?! I just want to make one thing quite clear. In my mind, no matter how long you've been wanting/trying for pregnancy, no matter what treatments you've tried or health situation you're dealing with, none of this is fair! We are all dealing with the same emotions and riding the same rollar coaster every month. None of it is fun or fair to handle. There are hundreds...thousands of women who have been trying for a lot longer than I have, but I don't feel sorry complaining openly to the universe about how difficult it is. Because it is!

Please please please try not to compare to others! If anything, that is what's unfair. Comparing your situation to another woman/couple is just one more negative emotion for you to deal with, one more feeling of insecurity and inadequacy. Don't do it to yourself!

I think we all can (and need to) recognize this trial for what it is...HARD. Don't feel sorry for feeling the emotions you do during this process, and DO NOT add to it! Feeling is healing. Let yourself feel and don't give excuses or (for goodness sake) make it worse.

I hope I don't hear this again, because my heart aches for every woman that has expressed this to me. It's not fair for you to treat yourself that way. If anything I'm grateful to talk to anyone who can empathize with me at all...no need to compare.

Some days are hard, some more than others. I'm not afraid to say it, and neither should you!

If you need someone to talk to...here I am.

Really.

(written 10/1/10)