I'm Jill..

A couple of weeks ago my sister (who I totally adore) asked if I could come to a party she was hosting.   She wanted to have as many bodies there as she could because so many of her friends showed little interest. I understood.

I guess I didn't listen much to the description of the class. All I heard was 'books' and that my sister needed me. I was there.

So last night, the class began. A cute blonde stood up and introduced herself. Amanda. She was a consultant for Usborne books...childrens books. She shared a little about herself; stay at home mom to a 20 month old. She got into selling these books because she wanted to build her library for her little boy who is of course oh so cute and wonderful and perfect. She told cute story after cute story about little Daniel, and then said,

"Let's start by going around the room and introducing ourselves. Just say your name and how many kids you have."

I wanted to somehow sneak out. I wanted to become invisible or quickly become narcoleptic; anything to get me out of the suddenly extremely uncomfortable situation. I could feel myself getting emotional.

The introductions began at the end opposite me.

"Hi. I'm Mandy. I have a 6 year old, a 3 year old, and this little guy." (as she craddled a sleeping baby in her arms)

Ohs and Awws...

"Hi. I'm Natalie. I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old."
"I'm Janese. I have 3 grandchildren and 1 on the way."
"Hi. I'm Amanda. I'm having a boy in June."

Ohs...and How excitings!...

I was the last one.
"I'm Jill..."

The room went quiet. I felt so awkward and out of place. I fought back tears again. I shouldn't have come here.

Amanda asked,
"And you don't have any kids?"
"No..."
"Well thanks for coming anyway."

For the next hour or so I continued to fight tears. I bit my lip everytime I thought they might spill over. Usborne books sells the cutest reading materials for little ones. I wanted so badly to let myself look and buy, but it just seemed silly. It was silly for me to be there. It was silly for me to be included in that group of women at that time. It was stupid of me to agree to this.

And I did it to myself.

I left as soon as I could. I don't think the party was over, but it was for me. As soon as I opened the door to leave, those tears were finally let loose. I cried all the way home. I went home and ran what Marv calls a "Jilly hot" tub with some aroma touch essential oil from Doterra. I got in the steaming water, hugged my knees to my chest, and cried some more...

Marv came home and found me in the tub, still crying. He comforted me as always, and as only he can.  As always, his reaction was to protect me from this ever happening again. (impossible) He got defensive and angry that I would be put in the situation. I had to explain that I really had done it to myself. It was nobody's fault but my own. Whenever this happens he tries to make it better instantly when I know that there is nothing he can do. This is just part of it. And all I can do is feel it. And it's ok.

But man...that was rough.

(written 2/4/11)