Feel

I have received some amazing emails over the last couple of days. I'm working on responding to each one. After that article "hit the fan," even more internet angels have come into my life, and I've gained more and deeper perspective. So cool.

I did get some surprising emails as well. I'll explain.

I spent the day Monday crying on/off reading email after email of well wishes, stories of hope, advice, and getting introduced to sisters in the struggle (the "club" if you will - please don't join). I now have more women to pray for unfortunately, but that many more opportunities to celebrate the day they tell me their little miracle happened.

Another facet of this perspective has come that I didn't anticipate. Unfortunately I was hurt by some. I feel like some women who at one point experienced the lonliness of infertility...forget somehow. They forget how it feels to deal. Perhaps they get caught up finally being knee deep in diapers and chasing toddlers that they look back on their former self and laugh, as if she were some silly girl who didn't realize the good things that were going to happen. I was advised to "stop crying..."

I'm sorry. I'm not able to see the future. All I can see is what I learn from the past. I can tell you honestly that everything I've learned through this experience is what I've allowed myself to feel during it. To feel, is to learn. So I will not change or appologize for how I currently feel, whether it is hope or discouragement or even sadness. I will feel. And I encourage you to do the same. There is no shame in this.

Crying to me does not mean weekness, hopelessness, or depression. It means I'm letting my heart hurt and heal and learn what I need to. So excuse me for not taking that advice. I will stay hopeful, but I will also cry when I feel like I need to cry. I hope that when (note the positive thinking) I have babies of my own, I won't "look back at my former self and tell her to stop crying." I'm going to look back at her and see the growth that comes from feeling through painful learning experiences. This is a process afterall. And feeling is a big part of it.

Keep feeling "club" memebers!..and may I suggest to the alumni, remember.


A quick thank you to "my Diana." What would I do without you?

(written 12/7/10)