Ok

My mother-in-law is in the ICU. She has been there for over a week fighting infections and multi-system organ failure. She is putting up an impressive fight. Medically, I just don't understand how she is still around, at her age, totally beating the odds. Allen's mother has lived for her children. She had 10 of them of her own and lost just as many from miscarriage. She would do anything for any one of them, including her in-laws. She is a mother who has faught for her children since day one. And she is still fighting...

Needless to say, we've been spending a LOT of time in the ICU. The other night I started talking to one of her nurses. Somehow infertility came up. I honestly don't know how the topic always seems to enter conversations around me. Trust me, I am NOT the one to bring it up.

This sweet nurse told us how she tried for TWELVE years to have a baby. It finally happened for her. She expressed how miracluous the process was, what a special child she was able to raise, how worth it everything seemed. After she expressed her feelings, Allen told how we have been desparately trying and hoping for our own children. She turned to me and said, "Don't give up hope. It can happen for you too."

I told her how I knew that she must have felt some deep and terrible emotions going through that for so long. She paused and then looked me square in the eyes and quietly said, "...you have too." She was most sincere and suddenly I was filled with hope and love.

This experience was a tender mercy for me which came out of nowhere and happened in an ICU patient room. As one mother faught for her life to be able to have more time with her children, another expressed her love for her own miracle, as I longed for my own. I felt the love of women that night. It was special. I'm glad I have that love inside of me. The love of a woman is real and deep. It's somehow satisfying knowing that I have that ability in me. Children here or not, I love the same deep way and somehow, that makes it seem ok for now.

I am going to be Ok.

(written 6/21/10)